I feel like punching my boyfriend in the throat. His solution for EVERY. SINGLE. PROBLEM. is "drink lots of water". Feeling sick? Drink lots of water. Exercising? Drink lots of water. Sleepy? Drink lots of water. Do you like stuff? Drink lots of water. Are your toenails awesome? Drink lots of water. WTF?! Can this be settled by a punch to the nads? - PepsiDrinker
Is this a question about whether or not you should be drinking lots of water or a question about how to approach your water coach? (Fuck, I'm amazing)
Should we stop wasting our breath adding "drink lots of water" in the response to every advice question asked? Probably. But while you're over there shotgunning Pepsis and realizing your pee is the color of the cracked, rusted paint on the back of that school bus where you used to give handies to your fellow fourth-graders for $5 or a week's worth of fruit roll-ups - it's important to remember that water IS kind of a big deal.
The average adult human body consists of 70% water. Water literally and figuratively floats your boat. It's also good for you, for all of those reasons your salami-carrier annoys you with. Water has oxygen and minerals and other magical sciencey stuff that you can ask some PhD wench about if you need more on that topic. But here are some selfish reasons to do what I tell you:
1) Doing what I tell you is always good for you. (This statement hasn't been approved by anybody, not even by people that love me. It has been tested by some but those people are no longer alive.)
2) When you wake up on Monday morning after a weekend of splatterwhomping or whatever excuse it was to fill your body with mind-altering toxins and grind up on some sweaty manimals... you know how to get rid of those black circles, paper-mache skin, and the brain with it's own junior high marching band inside? Drink lots of water. Then more.
3) It makes you look pretty(or prettier depending on how fugly you already are... it's water, not Jesus).
4) It keeps you healthy. I mean, is it going to cure that insistent case of mouth herps you got from flannel-shirt guy you met on the internet last year and gave him a pity-makeout because it was a really nice restaurant? No. You'll still have the herps, but you'll need some water to wash down your meds anyway.
5) All-time most selfish reason for drinking water - there's a huge water shortage worldwide but hey, the more you drink, the less other people have. *If you actually do it for this reason, you're an asshole... but you'll be a healthier, prettier asshole than those lazy poor people. Paul Ryan(tm)*
So now that I've convinced you to drink water, how should you tell your muff-muncher that you get it?
- NICELY - "You tell me often that I should drink more water, I promise to make a conscious effort to drink more if you will make a conscious effort to remind me of it less." Okay, so that's half snotty but in a Southern Belle sort of way that he won't realize is snotty til you've already walked out the door (average intelligence males have a 20 minute dormant period for recognizing the snot).
- IF YOU WANT A NEW BOYFRIEND - "I just peed corn syrup and if I wanted water, I'd go fuck someone rich enough to turn it into Pepsi."
Drink lots of water.
